Alice’s Sparkling Inn Cider is now available by the barrel; bidet; bathtub; bucket, boot, bottle & bootie wherever craft sparkling inn ciders are sold, rented, leased, borrowed, gargled & shared. Guaranteed to shake up any meeting, rendezvous, tete-a-tete or other gathering, you’ll know when it’s Sparkling Inn Cider from the
—fizz, hiss & sizzle; —lick, scent & nibbling back;
—sipping, slurping sounds;—pleasingly easy squeezing;
—dizziness felt while spinning;—sparking, cracking & popping.
The best other inn may manage is a messy mint or chocolate nipple on your pillow. Alice’s Inn Pillows, on the other hand, put the Sparkling Inn Cider Symphony right in your ear!*
- Shaped like bananas, some Sparkling Inn Cider pillows can also be found at the Sticket Inn down the Hatch Highway, at Fishhook Cove on famous Sharkbait Bay, run by the same Chum Brothers who manage the Tiny Tuna piano bar & Tina Turner Aquarium Performance Space in Port Hole. Tell them “Van Gogh’s Nana sent me,” & you’ll get the second ear of corn half off! Pronounce Vinnie’s van-name so it rhymes with OFF & get half off your banana, too, at the same time.
Thanks to the Product Placemat folks at BA Humbug for this feature & the well-stocked press conference at which they announced it.**
** BA Humbug was formed in the merger of Boastful Advertising & the Humbuggery public relations firm that tried to destroy Christmas. Though its client list is officially “confidential,” presumably to avoid guilt by association, WOMA [Word Of Mouth Attributions] says it’s a well-known secret Ba Humbug clients have recently included:
# Ogosh Galoshes, the new ‘corral-style’ cologne from Olivia Livid at Le Smooch, the Parisian affiliate of Texas’ Stinkhole Industries, is being billed as follow-up to their highly successful Whiff-en-poop, the colon-friendly cologne that doubles as after-shave for arse kissers;
# The Whacked Canteloupe, a drive through wedding chapel for couples who can’t elope normally, whose friends may then follow the ceremony with a Canned Antelope live-feed reception & road-kill honeymoon;
# St. Nickerless’ Christmas Club, whose members in good standing receive complete manger-management service from the St. Nickerless Sisters of Immaculate Misconceptions, a sit-down snack of Dead Sea rations with pickled carp, followed by improv sketches featuring the “bottomless wisdom of the topless nuns,” a “scratch-n-sniff creche” from Frank Incense Productions, & a brand D stogie to be named later;
# Hissy Fit, the legal brief transcription service
~~~~~~”Juan Sighs fish squall…” –Mo;
~~~~~~”All the brief that fits…” –Curly;
~~~~~~”If the hissy don’t fit, you must acquit…” –Johnny Cockburn
# Gigi’s G-Spot, where hot entertainment is just the tip of the iceberg….
~~~”Try the 8-sock cocktail, if you dare: 3 shots absinthe, 3 rye, & a squirt of magic mud in each eye, served with a Sardine up the nose with a squint of raw snort-upsquirt. If you don’t have the stomach for such adventure, Gigi offers newbies a Free 1st Lick to test her time-share lollipop tray & oui-oui’s ice cream service.*
- First Lick is the intellectual property of BLOB, the Bod Library’s Original Brands, a division which offers extremely liberal licensing arrangements for a fraction of what you’d pay your defense lawyers.
- BLOB also holds rights to the All-day/ All-night Clock Sucker, a combination made from Second Hand Lolly & SmeltIt’s s’Cream wishkey. “If you’ve got lox; we’ve got the whish-keys to open them.”
- If you’d like to license Clock Sucker lollies–or other BLOB–contact us with your proposal c/o bodlibrary2017@gmail.com. ]
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the G-Spots play every other nightly at Gigi’s, with the cheek-popping Digiridoo-Daddies on Fridays & Thursday’s Slippery Ellipses on every third Saturday. Second Sundays welcome the 4 Kin Ex Statics, broadcast live (on tape) over KNUMb Mime Public Radio.
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Speaking of pops–
The popular Port Hole Pops got its name not from “popular,” as many assume, but from the sounds of their: a) amps; b) balloons; c) cheeks; d) dobros; e) electric outlets; f) flatulent tubas; g) growth factors; h) popcorn poppers; g) all of the above. T___ F___
If you answered Yes, you were partly right. The original Port Hole Pops was the common name of a one-man band & slam poet who also emptied buckets & swept floors at the Leaky Bucket Saloon (famous for its singing spittoons). One of Pop’s signature pieces, “Pop it again, Slam; Slam it again, Pops,” was featured in the film Cacablanca, in which a suavely gritty Humphrey Bogfart played the proprietor of Rick’s Leaky Bucket where Sam the Slam played piano roll & rag. *
- The original Rick’s in Cacablanca has been compared to “a Squat-Hole Pit Toilet following others with poor aim,” this in a review in The Mirror-Times-Mirror Revue Review, which carried ads in the same issue for both the SHPT Squat Hole Pit Toilets & Rick’s Leaky Buckets (“which never need emptying,” presumably because Pops empties them).
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The views expressed on this page, if any, do not necessarily reflect the views, tastes, opinions, fancies & delusions of our readers, writers, editors, owners, advertisers, subscribers, executives, stock market analysts, or share-manipulators, if any.
“They so, however, probably represent the depths to which the desperate will descend to squeeze a cheap laugh out of a state otherwise characterized by corporal pain, spiritual suffering & temporary avoidance of death.”
–J. Alfred Fruflock, Matchbook Community College (Dept. of Existential Angst Management, EAR)
[Dr. Fruflock also does private consulting under the Existential Angst Relief brand–another EAR, for shorts. “When existential angst is the problem, EAR may provide a solution.”]
Speaking of solutions:
“You can get practically anything you want at Alice’s Inn–
# Restaurant; # Restroom; # Rest Stop; Bed Rooms (some with bunks, baths &/or bidets); # Reservations; # Recreation; # Anatomy Lessons; # Map of the nearby Erogenous Zone; # directions to places elsewhere; G-Spot discount coupons; # company; # friendly card game; # solitaire deck….
Quickie Quizicle—
Answer the following question correctly & you’ll win a second night free at an Alice’s Sparkling Inn near you. (Second night must be used concurrently or, in some locations, at the same time as first night to qualify.) Next door neighbors are not eligible.
“If newspapers provide the first draft of history, Alice’s Inn provides the first draft of:
~~~~# Sparkling Inn Cider; ~~~~# Ye Olde Stale Ale (“Eli Lite”);
~~~~# Yesterday’s Product Placements Today;
~~~~# The TMI Encyclopedia’s 24/7 Brand Ad Report;
~~~~# The Off-the-Wall’s Treat Urinal;
~~~~# The Last Call of the Wild Before Last Chance Gas….”
Where’s the question? (Right here.)
What’s the question? (Yup.)
Post-quiz quizzicle:
- If a surprise quiz is called a pop quiz, what do you call a very small pop quiz? A: A pop quizzicle.
- Now you try. If a small quiz is a quizzicle, & a small part is a particle, what do you call a small test?
Quickie Quizicles don’t waste time on answer sheets or answer codes (e.g., “a), b), c), d)…g) all of the above”), but rely instead on readers following the Annex for Humor & Media Honor Code, which calls for both self-grading & self-laughing. (Grade yourself anything from Gray Day to Gray Deaf, or keep going & earn Grays Dead, Ed & Zed.)
Meanwhile, the more you laugh, the higher you score on the LOL’s (Library-On-Line) Self-Assessment Gradient (sag), adjusted for how funny answers may be, as measured by RATS (Relative Absolute Thumb Scale), sometimes called Mindstein’s Inconstant.
The fact that you laugh at some alternatives more than at others does not necessarily mean the others a) aren’t funny; b) aren’t funnier; c) aren’t funniest of all; d) aren’t up to the job; though it could. As Mindstein himself predicted, “It depends.”
“The Quizicle is to testing what a Popsicle is to
~~~~desert cuisine” (Jewel Ya Childs, Fast Foods);
~~~~hammer roids” (Larry of Arabia, Camel Humps & Saddle Bumps);
~~~~your EAR” (J. Alfred Fruflock, Existential Angst Relief Simplified);
~~~~a sticky stick” (R. “Sticky” Wicket, The StickyStik Corporation);
~~~~a wheedfield” (Port Hole Pops, A Guide to Sics & Ics, Icles & Sicles);
~~~~you” (Yours Crudely, The M T Mirror*).]
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* In conjunction with FATA (Footnote & Testing Ads), TSIC (Top Secret Information Classifieds), & the research interns at the MTCC (Matchbookcover Technical College of Correspondence, “where professional degrees are just a postcard away”).**
** If you have something scholars might find interesting, what better way to reach their eyeballs during waking hours than through Footnote Advertising? ***
*** If that were a real question, you might find it on tests offered by Query Placements, the Peninsula’s leading placer of ads in quizes, quizicles, tests & testicles, superior to other advertising vehicles in test after test.****
**** Some scholars believe this is because the ad is more likely to lodge in the hippocampus after stopping at the Amygdala Cafe to get jazzed up, whether as spillover from test-taking anxiety (“try the Adrenalin with a Proctor chaser for a rush”) or as by-product of the heightened state kicking in in response to improved performance.*****
***** This last may be considered an example of mind over what matters, assuming score is what does. *******
******* See Does Score Matter: testing the testers, in the Debunk Encyclopedia of Anti-Conventional Wisdom for a contrary opinion.